Missing from my dreams

On my birthday, I dreamt you called me on my birthday
Yet your voice that used to fill me
was foreign and unfamiliar
That voice said it was you
That strange voice
That made me afraid said it was you
That voice was not you

Immediately invisible fingers felt for me
felt for me inside that dream
to pinch a reality, just enough
enough to know the dream
not enough to break it
not enough to let go
That voice was you
a form of you
and I didn't let go
even when your voice was foreign to me
I didn't let go, I didn't want to let go

I know you
keep you
The You of my devotion
I can place you with a start
in passing faces
recognize shadows of you
in naked boys on the internet
I can spot your Doppelgänger
that might be you in a crowd
afraid that it might be you
afraid that it is not you

Your body
Your image
Your face
are clear to me
as the portraits on my wall
can attest to
the image of you is clear
in my memory it is clear

But I am losing your voice
losing you a grain at a time

It is for the best
for my best
interest

My inside knots knowing
that I am letting go
without knowing
it pains to know
that your voice
your voice that filled me
is missing from my dreams

Missing from my dreams
missing from my life
missing from me

You have lost your voice
and I am afraid of losing the rest

In the dark it clings to me

In the dark it stirs
there, just off center
in the darkness

a bristle of legs or wings
a scintilla of a movement
of air

I close my eyes and
listen for it
listen to the dark
listen to the darkness

Its enveloping touch
soft surrounds me
all is soft, the dark
seeping out
slowly seeping

It is with me in the dark
It stirs within me
creeping up my spine
lodging in my crevices

weeping weeping weeping
in the darkness
sweeping through the dark

Reflection of you

The sky arches over me
an infinite reminder
of all things
daylight giving way to
dark
blue giving way to
black

The moon pulses in my eyes
a cool reflection
of myself
myself

I build a monster in the night
did I say monster
I meant baby

I built a baby from the blackness
its blood
my tears, spit, cum, piss
not my blood never my blood

My blood that collects and flows
like tears...stays my own

I stamp out the baby's cries
I stamp out the baby...
the reflection of you

My blood pulses through me
resurrected
pulses
like the moon in my eyes