Monday, August 28, 2006

Between 2 days

Ive been rather sensitive these past couple of weeks, I was nervous of what I was going to feel during these past few weeks. I am trapped between two birthdays of special significance, running only weeks apart. One for a departed love, and one for a departed brother. My love has turned inward and I heal slowly from my departed Lover, finding self worth, and slow acceptance . When I say slow, I mean slow, actually, have I accepted this? (Oh, Lord, im having an inner dialogue in a blog, how post-modern am I?)
His day I can not share with him, I only have a gratitude that he is alive, and a true wish for his happiness even without me, preferably with me, of course. And I hold on to a silly notion of our love, yes, it still lives in me for now. Like the alien baby in ALIEN.
Humor helps the hurt, although having a love baby coming out of your stomache may not be so hurtless. I love making up words. Oh, wait "hurtless" is a word.
My sweet, tough, wonderfully stubborn brother, our love was always there, sometimes a whisper in the universe, but strong, and true. His day I cannot share with him, but i have gratitude for all the moments we had together. Even the time I realized my "little brother" had grown bigger, or at least wider, than me and he was about to kick my ass. Luckily I was smarter (Id like to think) and managed to escape my certain pummeling, No matter how much my, snobish, elitist , overly critical, ass, may have deserved it.
I have a huge satisfaction that my brother's...Daniel, My brother's name Is Daniel, I have a huge satisfaction that Daniel's, killer has been found, and a hope that justice prevails this month.
Two Birthdays that have come around for the first time since they have gone from my life.
Two Birthdays I wish I could share with these Knuckleheads.
Instead, I cry..a little, who am i kidding...alot, Ive always been a crybaby. Especially, remembering the lovely moments I wish I could relive with them, and tell them... really, how much they meant to me and how much I love them.
I dont tell one because my self preservation keeps me from it , and I cant tell the other because...I cant.
I miss...too much.
I miss...alot.
Still, I do celebrate, both of these beautiful men, in my bruised heart.
And I hope that this is a whisper in the universe that they can hear.
Happy Birthday, and I love you.

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