Monday, May 22, 2006

after the flame

I got a letter by post a few days ago, EXCITEMENT FEAR ANGER HURT TEARS and a queasy stomache all hit me at one moment when I recognized the handwritting. Even from a distance I recognized the handwritting.I closed my eyes and disappeared into myself for a moment. It took all I have inside to not rip in to it as it was placed in my hand. It took all I have inside to finally open and read it. Read, tears, wipe, read, more tears, wipe...confusion. After I read it, and after I stopped the instant "blind love" response I could not understand its meaning. I understood it on the surface it was easy to read, but what did the action of taking the time to write a letter and post it, mean? I read it over and over again to try to find meaning in the words, beyond the words. "What did he mean by chosing that word, why didnt he use this one, what did he scratch out, what was that word going to be, why did he decide to say that instead of this?" I have come to a new place in my life and this was NOT NEEDED, or was it? I didn't really realize that I was in a new place until I was faced with this letter. I felt I was not where I once was, but now I knew I wasnt where I had been. I wrote back to him, "I NEED clarification." Friend only or my friend and lover, I can only accept one option-at this time. A big step to tell someone not to bother, when all you want is for them to bother, in the right way. I move on, waiting and moving on.
Maybe Ill get a call.
Maybe I wont.
Im frightened of both.

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